Crucial Conversations
Emotions are strong. Stakes are high. Opinions differ. But something has to be done. A decision must be made, a problem must be addressed, an idea needs evaluation. But how do you communicate to a boss who only wants her words to come out of your mouth? What happens when you’ve made a mistake? Is there a way to get what you need at home or work without getting control and forcing your opinion?
Why, when it matters most, do we tend to do our worst?
Crucial Conversations
Those questions and more are answered in a book called Crucial Conversations written by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. This book has been so valuable to me that I’ve added it to the list of books that I will read every year. It has already helped me and I believe it can help each of us get more of what we need and overcome more challenges than ever before.
When we get in one of these intensely emotional, deeply personal, or extremely important situations, it can seem impossible to ever expect things to change. The co-worker who picks at you, boss who undervalues you, spouse you find yourself fighting with more and more. Sometimes it’s a glaring problem or mistreatment. This book more effectively addresses how to handle these difficult, hurtful situations than any other I have read.
When Everything Goes Wrong
According to Switzler et al, “At the heart of almost all chronic problems in our organizations, our teams, and our relationships lie crucial conversations–ones that we’re either not holding or not holding well. Twenty years of research involving more than 100,000 people reveals that the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues. Period.”
When There’s Nothing Wrong
Often the hardest conversations to have are not during times of conflict. Sometimes something is missing, be it in a faded friendship or the profitability of your company. Nobody is doing anything you can “bust” them for, but things aren’t as good and right as you want them to be. These conversations are difficult to have with “letter of the law” individuals, or those who are already timid or insecure. You don’t want to damage the flimsy peace you are currently managing. But are those your only options?
In Crucial Conversations, they call this The Fool’s Choice. It’s a forced “either/or” situation. We all use it at some point, often rationalizing our behavior with excuses. “Well it hurt his feelings, but SOMEBODY has to tell him. I’m just the only one honest enough to do it. Everyone else should be grateful I was willing to take the hit for finally saying what we all have been thinking.”
But what if there was a way to be honest without hurting his feelings?
If we can become as attached to the belief that we CAN have both as we have been attached to the belief that we CAN’T, we would find the same thing that the millions of readers of this book found. Doing what needs to be done and getting what we need can be achieved without sacrificing relationships and killing communication. Leading a difficult discussion doesn’t mean being the first to attack.
Leading From Anywhere on the Food Chain
One of my favorite mentors – John Maxwell – discusses in his book called The 360 Degree Leader
One thing that amazed me the most was what some of the authors revealed in their afterword. If you purchase Crucial Conversations today, chances are you will find the 10th anniversary edition. In that edition, each of the authors share what they’ve learned about crucial conversations in the past 10 years.
For example author Kerry Patterson shared that he frequently was approached by people who had life-changing experiences with the Crucial Conversations, who hadn’t even read the whole book. There is something so simple in the way the topics and tools for conversation that are discussed that a few pages can effectively raise your level of awareness and improve your performance and results.
The Results We Get
In the end, Crucial Conversations is about the results we get. You don’t have to like communicating or handle confrontation well to profit from this book. You may never find yourself WANTING to communicate when stakes are high, emotions are strong, and opinions differ. But the fact is, if you want to improve your results think about it. It isn’t when things are calm, inconsequential, and harmonious that results tank.
If you want more from your team or company and desire more for your family and relationships, it is the crucial conversations that will make or break you.