Are You Helping Too Much?
Meet Nick Vujicic
Several years ago, I was privileged to meet Nick V and hear him speak. If you don’t know who he is, I would encourage you to visit his FB page, website, or watch his YouTube channel.
That day was a defining moment for me: not because Nick’s a world class speaker, not because his message inspired me, but because of something he said about his mother.
Nick V was born without limbs. I’m sure you can imagine some of the struggles he faced as he was growing up; the pain of being different, of not being able to even take care of his most basic needs, the despair he felt about his future.
As Nick told his story that day, he shared one of the defining moments of his life. When he was a young boy, he asked his mom to get a book he wanted read, off the bookshelf for him. But that day, his mother said, “Get it yourself!” When Nick got to that part of his story, the entire audience gasped! How could she be so uncaring? Can you imagine telling a helpless child to “Get it yourself!” What kind of a mother was she?
She Made Him Do It Himself
At the time, Nick felt the same way and pleaded with her to get him the book, but she held her ground: if he really wanted the book, he could get it himself. He didn’t know it, but she was hiding around the corner and watching to see what he would do.
When he was convinced that she wasn’t coming to help him, he began finding a way to get from his seat, to the back of the couch. This was a slow and difficult process and he fell a few times and had to start over. His mother continued to watch as he struggled and failed, struggled and made a little progress, and fell again: but she stayed behind the corner and didn’t come out. After what seemed like an eternity, Nick was able to ‘climb’ high enough to knock the book off of the shelf, and get back down and over to where the book had landed! He was sweaty, bruised, and grinning from ear to ear! He had gotten the book by himself!
Nick said that’s the day everything began to change for him. He saw for the first time that he wasn’t just a victim, he could be victorious too!
Watching Your Kids Struggle
Nick wasn’t the only one to feel pain that day. If you’re a parent, you can imagine the agony Nick’s mom endured as she watched him struggle alone to reach his goal! How she must have bit her lip to keep from crying out! Only a mother’s love could have overridden her natural instinct to run to him instead of stay in the shadows!
She knew that if she helped him too much, he would fall prey to what behavioral scientists call learned helplessness, which is not trying to get out of a negative situation because the past has taught you that you are helpless.
The day she let him fall on his own, she empowered him to win on his own!
Sometimes I Help Too Much!
I know I have been guilty of helping my kids too much. I still do, sometimes. But learning to help less and staying in the shadows while they try and fail is an important part of parenting – It’s often harder than helping. Nick says that the greatest gift his parents gave him was to love him enough to help him not only develop physical toughness, but mental toughness as well; a love that was strong enough to help him become independent.
Today, Nick V. is married with 2 beautiful children, travels the world sharing his message of hope, runs a non-profit organization called Life Without Limbs, and has authored several books including Life without Limits: Inspiration for a Ridiculously Good Life, as well as Unstoppable: The Incredible Power of Faith in Action, and most recently, Love without Limits: A Remarkable Story of True Love Conquering All. Learn more about Nick’s life from his father’s perspective in Boris Vujicic’s new book Raising the Perfectly Imperfect Child: Facing the Challenges with Strength, Courage, and Hope.