Active Constructive Responding

I didn’t invent most of the communication techniques I have become “known” to my clients for helping them learn.

ButResearch I’ve come to believe it’s a colossal waste of time to try to define things as “my process” or “my techniques.” In any thinking partnership, ownership of ideas is fuzzy at best, counterproductive at worst. I do try to give credit to the thinkers I’m borrowing from, and leave breadcrumbs so my clients can continue to learn from the thought leaders in any field as much as possible.

Shelly Gabel + Sharing Positive Events

That being said, one of the most powerful patterns of communication my friends and clients find most useful is called Active Constructive Responding. It seems to be originally part of psychologist Shelly Gable’s framework for ways of responding to positive news.

Active Constructive Responding

Shown in a grid, Gable outlined 4 versions of responses to good news: Active and Constructive, Passive and Constructive,  Active and Destructive, Passive and Destructive.

• It’s Active or Passive based on whether you’re engaging in the news you’ve received to deepen the conversation (Active) or letting the conversational ball drop (Passive).
• It’s Constructive or Destructive based on whether or not your words celebrate (Constructive) or detract from (Destructive) the news you’ve received.

But I’ve noticed how easy it is for us to let Passive posture slip into our communication. From “that’s great” to “good for you” to “congratulations man, I’m happy for you” we mask our disengagement with positive words. Sometimes we don’t want to get involved in a lengthy discussion because our minutes are all more than spoken for. At others we may not feel it’s our place to be nosy about facts or details, assuming the other person will say as much as they’re comfortable sharing and we shouldn’t pry any further.

But sometimes it’s a lack of emotional availability. We don’t really have the bandwidth to ride the roller coaster or someone else’s excitement; we’re going to need all of our energy for the mountain climbing ahead in our day. Maybe our emotions are raw, with a pinch in the nerve that wonders when something good will happen for us.

How I Misapply This Technique

I’ve got to admit. I’ve definitely moved toward using this conversational framework beyond the scope of its original creator. I’ve started to think of ACR as being a way to respond to just about anything someone else has said. Deepening the connection is our conscious goal when we’re in a sales conversation, when we’re negotiating to try to get what we need from an authority or organization. But we often forget the good that deepening the connection does in our surface connections, our close friendships, and our interactions with colleagues.

Deepening the conversation means prying open opportunities for us to learn new information, sample someone else’s point of view, and sit in on their experience of the world for a second. So whether they’re celebrating a win or simply making an observation about their morning commute, deepening the conversation is the only real way to engage the connection opportunity their words provide.

Even in a context of bad news someone shares…is it better to leave them hanging or show interest and cognitive availability to them? Does it create more value to listen and enter in emotionally or to remain distant?

Bad news, sadness, and pain can be uncomfortable to encounter in others. Whether we’re dealing with enough of our own disappointments, or are just sensitive to pain that we’re powerless to solve, we can become negativity-avoidant. When we try to only reinforce positivity and let negative conversation balls drop (being Passive in our response), it creates a false, brittle positivity that encourages anxiety, loneliness, and low connectedness.

Better for the relationship and for your own learning to find ways to engage, to contribute in conversations more than a vague platitude.

If you want, just focus on using ARC next time you hear someone share good news or a success. Choose to enter in with them, ask them curious questions to let them share more. (If you’re not sure how to do this, be literal about it and say “that sounds great, tell me more!”)

References: Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., Impett, E. A., & Asher, E. R. (2004). What do you do when things go right? The intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits of sharing positive events. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87, 228-245.