Worry ≠ Love
Sometimes we hang on to destructive habits simply because we haven't recognized that they're hurting us.
Surprisingly, worry is one of the things that we often hold onto. Even though we know it drains and distracts us, maybe even noticing that it adds to our stress and decreases our problem solving ability, we still hold onto it. We hold onto it because we think worrying is our job - the wise or caring thing to do.
Worry as Love
When we equate worrying with caring about someone, we form a tight commitment to that worry. Parents and grandparents, siblings and children all face endless opportunities to worry about the people they love most. We worry about our friends, and sometimes even deeply worry about strangers we identify with (or love), forming a bond of caring for them. We do this when we sponsor a student in our local school, or try to make a difference in human trafficking.
Our CARE for that group of strangers can prompt us to worry about them.
The only problem with this is that worry disconnects us. It poisons our thinking with fear, and slows our brain's ability to process. Instead of bringing our best to that relationship, we degrade our ability to strongly support and be a resilient resource for that person.
Often our worry also blinds us to the individual. Like a mother worried about her son's college choice may start worrying over all the factors of the college choice, and lose sight of what her son is thinking and feeling.
Connect Instead
The bottom line: if you love someone, you do a better job of SHOWING that love, and experiencing meaningful connection in return if you stay CURIOUS and CONNECTED to that person. You also avoid the perils of compassion fatigue and fear-based reactions when you release the worry and positively engage the relationship.
Worry as Wisdom
This is a sneaky one. Most of us do this to some degree, whether in our work or our life planning, we imagine that if we're being really responsible and wise, we'll put serious effort into thinking through and worrying about everything that could go wrong.
We often compound this by making "thorough worrying" the gatekeeper before we'll consider taking an opportunity or making a change. This is what you're doing when you ask yourself "what could go wrong?" and answer in detail, forming contingency plans FIRST, before exploring how it could go right.
We think we're being responsible. If we didn't worry through and identify enough things that could go wrong, we worry that we'll be seen as overly optimistic, inexperienced, or disconnected from reality. We often don't limit ourselves to worrying through the LIKELY problems...we pride ourselves in being as thorough in our worry as possible.
The problem with this way of being "wise" is that it gives our best energy and freshest thinking to playing defense. Avoiding problems. Fixing issues.
Instead of giving our best energy to the what-could-go-wrong, what if we thoroughly visualized specific SUCCESS? We could imagine what preparation is required to make it WORK, how we might build on a preliminary success to extend and amplify additional success. We could imagine ways to expand the positive impact, and leverage more opportunities while we're pursuing this.
Don't Miss Opportunities
If we're honest, we know that it is untapped potential, action not taken, opportunities missed that has cost us our success. When we live like worrying is our job, we will continue to miss opportunities to make things WORK because too much of our focus and energy is tied up in risk-prevention and loss-mourning.
If this is resonating with you, you may want to catch the replay of this week's Free Live Training, where we dig into some practical ways to turn down the volume on worry.
But it all starts with realizing that worry is not a way of serving your relationships, loving people, or being wise and trustworthy at work.
Switch to Real Time Comments
If you watch the replay, make sure to switch to "real time comments" and participate in the comments as if you were live. You never know the impact your comment may have on someone who watches after you.
Turn Down the Volume on Worry
1. Treat Worry Like a Signal.
Sometimes you need something, so pay attention to what you need, instead of jumping on the worry train.
2. Identify the Real Need.
When you need something, and you are in the driver's seat of your life, you can think calmly about getting your need met, instead of just worrying about what life would be like if you can't get that need met. Some common, completely legitimate needs that often trigger the worry are:
Feeling Disconnected: Like in a relationship where we’re worrying over a loved one’s decision or choices. Like a child’s choice of colleges, or friends.
Feeling Uninformed: This is when you’re concerned new information is going to pop up - or the behavior of others could potentially throw a monkey wrench in your plan.
Feeling Unprepared: If you aren't ready, don't get distracted with shaming yourself - identify what steps would prepare you and plan how to pursue getting prepped.
3. Choose a Healthy Responses to the Worry Signal.
There are a few things you can do when you receive the worry signal that makes you BETTER, rather than depleting you. This is the way to actually LOVE, and actually BE RESPONSIBLE.
- Engage with Curiosity: When our minds fill with worry our ears close. Instead of telling your child all the terrible things that could happen at a 12 year old slip and slide birthday party, ask her what she’s excited about at the party, who she’s interested in seeing, what she thinks makes it a good way to spend her Saturday. Don’t interrogate, but LEARN. Work to see the opportunity through their eyes, and help them plan for success. “What do you think would be a good strategy to keep you from getting sunburned since the party is outside?” or draw them into collaborate with somethingl ike “How do you think you could really enjoy it if we only can stay for an hour?”
- Build some Runway: Sometimes you feel like you’re flying blind because you are. But crazy as it sounds, we waste tons of time and energy on worrying what will happen if we stay in the dark, instead of taking steps to turn on the light. Get the information you need for improved decision making. If other people are the likely source of uncertainty or problem, work on your leadership and communication skills to warm people up so they can go with you. This could sound like owning a challenge and inviting people to help you overcome the problem.
- Expand the Payoff: The biggest question that tends to keep us worrying tends to be “will it be worth it?” If you increase the payoff of what you’re doing, it increases your chances to have peace that the effort and risk is worth it. The first way to do this actually is reducing the worry stress so that you can be present and LEARN, ENJOY, and CONNECT along the way.
- Put the Worry Into Perspective: Many of the things we worry about are completely out of proportion to the likelihood of them coming to pass. Particularly if it's worry-as-love, we worry about the person to the degree that we love them. So is it a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance that your daughter could have an allergic reaction to a substance she might come into contact with while serving her summer internship? Yes. Old logic says you worry 100% BECAUSE SHE'S YOUR DAUGHTER. But it doesn't serve you or your relationship to let fear that far in. Try instead to be informed, and worry about it the appropriate amount for a 1 in 1,000,000,000 chance.
- Give your FIRST Energy to Dress Rehearsing Success: If you take the worry signal as a reminder that you need to think things through, make sure that the FIRST thing you think through is what SUCCESS could look like. Even if your visualized pathway of success doesn't end up perfectly matching reality, the dress rehearsal you do in your mind will prime you to identify ways to help things work, and effective ways forward toward your goal. It will also give you some energy and a strategic running start.
- Connect to your Strengths: When you bring your strengths to the party, the worry signal works like a heads-up. It lets you know what to anticipate, where some resistance or uncertainty may be. You can then move your focus to a strength you possess that will help you stay on track to your goal. Sometimes the goal is relational, other times it's tactical. But when you bring your strength and focus on your positive goal, it keeps you moving forward in a genuine way.
Quick Shot of PRESENCE
a Wild + Brave Summer of Joy
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Wild + Brave Coach. Ghostwriter. Author of Think Wild.
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