What can we do when life goes crazy around us? Changes, chaos, uncertainty, and seasons of waiting can cause massive disruption to our equilibrium. Even positive events, and exciting activities (like a wedding, job change, or vacation) are still disruptors in our ordinary lives. 

And then there’s the bad stuff. I’m sorry. I could use a clinical term, or categorize all the ways life can go wrong, but I doubt you need that from me. Your challenges right now are unique. As you navigate life, all sorts of different things fall into the “bad stuff” category. Today we don’t have to focus on “fixing” the problems. Instead we can focus on how to get a grip on dealing with the bad stuff. For now, let’s pull it all together and use the word “disruption.”

Disruption can be crushing, overwhelming, or enraging; but on some level disruption is an essential part of life, breaking inertia, ejecting us from our comfort zone, and interrupting our routine enough to allow for positive change. 

The Mindset of Positive Disruption

As much as we resist it, even undesirable disruptions can lead to positive outcomes. Acknowledging that allows us to embrace the mindset of positive change by noticing that not all disruption is bad. To do that today, take a second to reflect, asking yourself: 

What positive experience or meaningful outcome has resulted from some sort of disruption in my life?

Your answers could include dramatic experiences, like finding a new strength in the face of tragedy or discovering a new passion in the wake of job loss. Or it could be something small like having a positive interaction with a colleague because a delayed meeting forced you to wait together, or avoiding wasted time because a project was cancelled before you got to work on it. 

Borrow Evidence From Others

If this is hard to do in your current moment, prime your brain with examples by looking for positive outcomes or “good side effects” of bad experiences you’ve seen in other people’s lives. Perhaps you know a friend whose path changed dramatically against their will, but you see the incredible value she’s brought to the world with her response.

Borrowing from famous examples can also help your brain begin recognizing the patterns of positive disruption. When I do this, I bring to mind things like our National Park System (something that has brought great joy and awe to my life as a camper and hiker). Historians agree the work President Theodore Roosevelt did to preserve these lands so they’d be around for me to explore today was motivated by his experience healing from the sudden, tragic loss of his wife and mother. He hid away in the Badlands, and his pathway to healing from an unequivocally negative disruption made room for positive disruption in conservation by our country.

Once you’ve warmed up noticing positive disruption in others, return to your life. This isn’t a Pollyanna exercise, not a grin and bear it delusion. Find the genuine good inside the thing you never would have chosen.

Beliefs that Make us Brittle

Even if you wouldn’t have chosen the disruption you’re experiencing now, if you can find positive meaning in something the disruption made possible then you are teaching your brain that problems don’t have to break you. Acknowledging the meaning or positive outcomes of negative disruptions helps us release our attachment to the idea that the disruption in our lives is destroying us.

It’s important to release our stranglehold on the certainty that the disruption is bad, and to steal our attention away from ruminating about how it is “hurting us.” If we don’t, these negative, fearful, or angry thoughts can make us brittle, breakable by the next bad thing that happens. 

Have you ever been sucked into that brittle line of thinking? Have you been trapped by the fear that all these changes, this unrelenting uncertainty, or brutal disappointment was breaking you? 

Maybe you’re there now, overwhelmed by the costs and consequences of the disruptions in your life. Your pain or anxiety may be crushing you. If you are willing to explore the meaning within the pain, it doesn’t devalue the burden you’re carrying. But staying attached to how wrong and unwanted your circumstances are can break you. 

Detachment + Self-Transcendence in Humans

As a human being, you have something remarkable within your power at all times, regardless of the tragedies or chaos of your life. In all circumstances, humans remain capable of choosing our attitudes toward ourselves, and our circumstances. We also have the power to reach beyond ourselves (self-transcendence) toward others or toward meaning.

If these words sound familiar, you’ve probably heard some of the famous thoughts of Dr. Viktor Frankl. Not only an MD and world-renowned psychiatrist, Dr. Frankl survived four concentration camps during World War II. Whether you’ve read his famous book Man’s Search for Meaning (which you may have, since it is on the Library of Congress list of “10 Most Influential Books in the United States”), or not; I’m betting you’ve seen humans overcome terrible circumstances to do something great.

Whether through heroism or humor, driven to serve others or make their mark on the world; humans have a way of spitting in the face of defeat and finding a new victory. 

But do you recognize the power to do that in yourself? 

If you are human, you have the power to find meaning in any circumstance. If you’ve got your skin on, remember when it bleeds that it also makes you capable of more than you know. 

Embrace the Unknown Good

Perhaps you have been able to identify the surprising good that resulted from past negative experiences, but the positive meaning of your current disruption isn’t clear yet. Maybe the good hasn’t fully manifested, or the messy middle makes it too hard to sense.

There’s something we can do when the meaning isn’t shining at us yet. Let’s call it “embracing the unknown good.” If this phrase was coined by someone famous, I apologize for the lack of attribution. As far as I know, I’m stealing it from my mother, a Registered Nurse who helps people facing pain, illness, and loss on a daily basis. 

Embracing the unknown good is a way of resisting false platitudes, while rejecting the human tendency to wallow in self-pity. The most practical way to do this is sometimes by using the word “yet.” 

“I don’t see the good in this circumstance yet.”

If you breathe and open your mind to the possibility of meaning in the future, you might stretch that to say…

“I don’t see the good in this circumstance yet, but I’m going to celebrate it when it arrives.”

When you do this, you’re practicing self-transcendence. Reaching beyond your circumstances to the meaning you trust to arrive eventually makes you less fragile. That looking forward shifts your focus from the misery at hand, and allows you to tap into strength that is lost when you are attached to the unwantedness of your circumstances. It also prepares your mind to notice the meaning when it does arrive. 

Buddy Up

With practice, each of us can get better at practicing this mindset of positive disruption, to look for and welcome the good that comes from the things we cannot control. Still, none of us is as good at this when we’re alone, as when we do it with a friend. 

Sometimes we don’t feel safe to “look for the good” in tough circumstances with others because we’re afraid people won’t take our pain seriously. But if you work to develop this skill together, the people in your life may begin to surprise you. It may be that they need someone to share their messy middle with who will support their search for meaning as well.